The Hard Truth
by Wario the TableMan
Summary: Always remember to take everything with a grain of salt


Sometimes secrets were meant to always stay secrets. Some get out, and then the unthinkable soon commences. One such occasion can be purely defined by the life experiences that have weighed heavily on the brilliant young American singer Charlie Puth.

A lot of sources claim to outline the whole story. But as it turns out, Charlie Puth never was the person the internet paints clearly paints him as. Instead, Charlie's life is indeed a tragic one, hung in the balance of the trifecta of friendship, fame, and deception. Before I go on with the hard truth, I warn you to click away if you wish not to learn more, or if you think all that I've written so far is plainly rubbish in the first place. If so, go on. I can't stop you; I'm just doing what I think is right.

In fact, although you may call him "Charlie" by pronouncing the same way as "Charlie Brown" or "Charlie Chaplin", you are actually committing a peculiar error. The truth behind Puth, is that his name doesn't even stem from the supposed "Charles Otto Puth Jr." Instead, his first name is actually "Charlie" and is not the common shortening as one is assumed to believe. On that note, the diphthong at the beginning of his name is actually a "C" followed by a silent "H"; this makes his name sound more like "Carly" as opposed to the more popular pronunciation.

Why is this information necessary? Well, it all ties into the heinous slander oh-so popular among the internet bigwigs. The folks who think they can control paltry minds (Buzzfeed, cable news channels, etc.) play a huge role in corrupting the public into believing their own conjured assumptions. Such corporations are assumed to be headed by a bunch of whiny imbeciles striving to make decent coin out of playing a clickbait-infused system. However, in actuality, the big bosses controlling these widely successful nearly-virtual businesses are masters at picking and choosing the most delicate members to add to their roster. Psychological geniuses and master journalists, as well as budgetary statisticians, are all part of the mix.

Think about it: they are "widely successful", so somebody is doing something right or else they would not be of such high of a status as they are at the present. Think about how Youtube, a disorganized and barely managed lump of let's plays and epic fail compilations, is constantly being reported as being on its last leg.

That's where Charlie Puth can be analyzed to his fullest extent. As someone who knew the guy on a personal level at one point in their life, I feel it necessary to make this statement about how his life story has been hashed and rehashed by fan wikis and the like.

First of all, Charlie Puth was not born in New Jersey, but Pennsylvania. The hospital where his birth took place was near the border of the two states. Later on, in his life Charlie attended school in the Toady Public School District. Toady was a rough district where lots of the preschoolers around the same age as Charlie had already taken up trading "Magician" cards for unfair prices.

The common charge for a common card was a dollar, but the rarer they got, the more strange charges added up. It didn't accumulate dollar by dollar, but one dollar followed by a dare of varying intensity. Some of the older kids in the district (7- to 8-year-olds) new how to dig deep when it came to the intensity levels that came with the trades.

Charlie Puth didn't like the Magician series as much as the other kids, but liked music more and enjoyed movies like the Lion King, for their soundtrack. However, he wanted to fit in and joined in the other kids' games. He was a big fan of the Magicians character "Melt Lizard", but never got the card from the packs that he got as gifts. That's when Charlie Puth struck a deal with a kid named Snow Kepler. Snow promised to trade Charlie a Melt Lizard, but since it was such a rare card, Charlie would need to meet certain criteria. First off, no money was needed and the card was basically free, but required a year's worth of payment. For a whole year, Charlie would need to obey Snow's every bidding. Since they were kids, they agreed on all terms in a blissfully unaware way.

However, Snow was the smarter one. He held onto the Melt Lizard card until the year was up and kept Charlie under careful surveillance to make sure he held his end of the bargain properly. Snow was a bit of a jerk at some points. He once made Charlie dance on a wet floor, which caused him to slip and fall to the ground in a painful and embarrassing manner.

But the most heinous of all his requests came from a fateful storytime gathering in late October of that year. Snow told Charlie to take a big one on another kids head. Charlie shoved more than his fair share of prunes down his gullet and waited half an hour. When the time came, he ran up to said classmate and delivered his soldier's duty. It was a nasty event that almost got him expelled, but after explaining the situation, Snow was caught and expelled from Toady instead.

Years later, Charlie had become an internet sensation due to his fabulous singing voice. He received a katana for his birthday in 2010. It was a gift from an anonymous fan from Japan who spoke fluent French. The katana had the engravings: "Voicenotes" on the hilt, which is pronounced "vwah-chi-noh-tayz" in French. Charlie loved this gift and hung it in his room for over a year, before taking it down after his pet dog Moocher almost killed itself when it was playing rough with its chew toys.

When Charlie finally hit the scene in 2015, he signed a deal with Atlantic Records after he coincidentally teamed up with Snow Kepler on a bus in L. A. His old friend gave him all he needed to survive in the big leagues, practicing as his agent. Snow was as smart as they came when all the sales and marketing mumbo jumbo came into play. He also inspired Charlie to write and perform the song "See You Again" and commissioned rapper Whiz Khalifa to join in on the project. The song was so popular, Actor Vin Diesel and The Rock were reported in tears upon their first listen.

When it came to 2017, Charlie and Snow began to once again drift apart, but still retained their companionship as client and agent. Unfortunately, when Charlie Puth's second album "Voicenotes" hit, Snow became an immediate threat.

Snow hated everything about "Voicenotes", especially Charlie's chiseled abs. That is when Snow had finally had it with his partner. He called Charlie to his office, leaving a haunting message on Charlie's cell phone which Charlie himself described as "vicious". Before Charlie left for the meeting, he packed his katana with him in a long cylindrical bag made for curtains.

At the meeting, Snow finally revealed himself as the Sith Lord Snoke and pulled a lightsaber out from under his desk. He dashed towards Charlie with intent to kill him, but Charlie blocked the assault with the power of his katana. He succeeded in slicing of Snoke's nose and ears and used them to make souped that powered up his biceps. Charlie then tore off his shirt and focused all the power into his fist. A magical helmet descended from the heavens and eased its way onto his head. The visor shot down and Charlie's eyes glowed. He was now the next Captain Falcon. He unleashed his Falcon Punch and completely obliterated Snoke. Snoke was so torn apart by Charlie's matter-diffusing blow, that he was launched into the past, thousands of years ago.

With Snoke defeated, Charlie's mission to become a legend had finally ended. There was only one challenge left to him now. He had to become the best singer there was. He gracefully flexed and jumped into the room next to Snoke's.

This room was headed by another agent whose name was Clean Bandit. Clean Bandit was the agent of the band Clean Bandit and made the group sing about drinking too much coffee. Charlie just wanted attention and wondered how long it would take. He charged up another Falcon Punch and attacked Clean Bandit. Clean Bandit countered with his mystic force field powers. He had learned to use this move from injecting Ness's PSI energy into his big toe. Now he was impervious to any energy attacks Charlie had to throw at him, including the Falcon Punch.

Charlie noticed something rather curious about his new opponent however. Namely, the scar that adorned the right side of Clean Bandit's face. There was only one way somebody could have gotten such a scar that was that size and shape. Somebody must have did the big one on top of the face and prunes were ingested at least 30-minutes prior. As it turned out, Clean Bandit was the kid that Charlie had done his dare on. Clean Bandit had went under such an alias to divert attention away from his darkest moment and had become the cleanest of all criminals. All that mattered to him was finding his oppose and wiping his out for good.

And now the two had finally rejoined. Charlie was shirtless, helmeted, and carrying a flaming French katana. Clean Bandit was encapsulated by his PSI powers and would not let up for anything. The two exchanged direct physical blows and the explosive contact was enough to blast the entire building to smithereens.

Charlie used this pandemonium as excuse to slip away and beat a hasty retreat as he knew Clean Bandit's PSI powers were too strong for him. He would need to hone his powers as the new heir to Captain Falcon's throne before the final victor could be decided. As of now, he is still working to maintain his bottomless reserves. It is only a matter of time before he and Clean Bandit clash yet again and change the music industry forever.

In conclusion, I give you the option to either accept my tale as truth or fiction. I couldn't care less what you think, but I care that I have at least done my duty in making this information known to somebody. I wish you well, and I wish this planet a bright future.

It's time to make your choice.


End file.
